today, part 2

My emotional high eventually flipped around completely.

By the end of the conference day, I was really tired. After dinner, everybody split up into two groups. Most of the people watched Ice Age. The rest decided to talk about things. I listened for a while, but I found I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation. Basically, I wasn't adding anything to anybody's life anywhere.

-----

When there is no space for you, do you squeeze in... or do you make your own space?

-----

At the beginning of tour, I often felt lonely. I would try to talk to people, but I could never think of anything to talk about. I would listen in on conversations that everybody seemed to enjoy... but simply didn't interest me. There was nobody there for me. I would spend a lot of time outside.

On one particular day (this was right after Summer Camp), everybody had been having a spiffy time. We had been out for the evening and on the ride home, everybody was talking to each other and nobody was talking to me. I tried to jump in on their conversations or start my own... both of which failed.

When we got back to the Moon Manor, I was quite lonely and rather miserable. Wendell began to play the piano in the Red Room. All my tenseness and stress began to melt away. I lay on the carpet there in the Red Room, letting my misery sink into the floor. I looked up at the ceiling. It was pretty boring: it closed off the space in the house and kept all the air conditioning inside, like most ceilings do. You could look up so far and then your eyes hit the ceiling. There was a limit on the "sky" up there. I was contained in a building.

I kept listening to the piano and thinking. Soon the ceiling took on a new meaning. It was as if I was trapped in a house. This house was my selfishness. I was trapped into thinking just about me and who was paying attention to me.

Just then, as I continued to look at the ceiling, I noticed something. In the ceiling over the kitchen area is a skylight. That's right a window in the sky. An escape! All at once, everything clicked. I was locked inside my house of selfishness, but love left a window in the skies. I don't have to think about myself. If I put others first and seek to love them, it doesn't matter if people love or care about me... or if they need me.

-----
(written September 9, 2009)

Coming on tour, there was one thing I wanted more than anything else. I wanted to understand; understand people, understand love, understand God. I wanted that understanding passionately. God is faithful and I am learning and understanding more and more.

Today, I began to understand what tour is about: it’s about people. I already knew that we would be teaching the same classes and giving the same speeches over and over again. The main difference between conferences would be the people we interact with.

In the middle of July, I was dropped into a situation called prep week, where I was told to get to know, work with, and love 10 people who I barely knew. (Thankfully, I already knew one person pretty well! <3)

Sometimes, I give up on loving others. People don’t pay attention to me and so I decide people aren’t going fulfill me. I retreat into myself. I give up on making friends. I figure I have friends at home. These people on tour don’t need me and so I make sure I don’t need them either. I become lonely. Oh, so lonely.

I imagine Jesus sitting next to me. He is my friend. He is always there. But sitting next to him is convicting. He tells me I need to love others and stop thinking about my poor little self.

How am I supposed to love people who are already happy and involved in conversations? Is there nobody for me to love? How can I love a group? Loving one person at a time is considerably easier than loving several at once.

So, I sit there by myself. Or I stand there in the wind. Alone. But so happy. I have God. I don’t need anything else… except to obey: love!

------

Tonight I chose to make my own space. I didn't want to figure out how to love others, so I hung out with God on the drive way under the cloudy sky. I wasn't needed by anybody. I was pretty sure nobody would miss me. I totally get the idea of loving others who need love, but I mean, some times people aren't needing love. They are just chill.

So, I skipped out onto the drive way. It was really rather pretty. I was tired and decided to lie down on the concrete. I looked at the clouds and told God all about how nobody needed me and how I didn't know how to love people. I thanked Him for being amazing, because He is. I thanked Him that He cared about me and loved me even though I often think I don't need Him. It was pretty much a conversation.

I was outside and rather happy to be outside. I didn't need anything about that evening to change, but it did. The skies suddenly cleared and I could see the stars. God shoved the clouds to the side so the bright stars would show. Just for me. Because He loved me. I want to love like that! People may not need me... but I can still love them and make their lives a tiny bit better. Love always can. Love never fails.

-----

I came inside, ready to love the people around me. Everybody was still involved in conversations or movie-watching. That was rough. Then Janie pulled me into her group who was listening to Tim play the piano. Everything inside of me... all my inner peace... started to crack. Janie was loving me by including me. I didn't want to be loved. I was the one supposed to be doing the loving. I didn't want to need others. My inner self was rebelling at this unfortunate turn of events. How was I supposed to feel good about myself if I couldn't love anybody?

I must remain a monster until I learn to love and receive love.
-The Beast, from Beauty and the Beast

Maybe sometimes love is not all about giving out love. Maybe receiving love is essential to understanding how to love one another. I am still thinking about it all.

This I do know: It is for freedom that Christ has set me free!

We love because he first loved us.
-1 John 4: 19

today, part 1

Today has been a very ...interesting... day. It has also been quite an abnormal day for me.

It started out in a very ordinary manner. The schedules behaved admirably and the printers decided they liked me. We made it through GECCO and the Opening Program uneventfully.

But then came my first free time block of the day! Each of us interns have little mail boxes we bring to each conference. We write each other happy little notes and put them in each others mail boxes. I decided to write everybody on the team a note. I grabbed a pack of sticky notes and my special pen and began to write.

I wrote my first sticky note. That made me happy. I enjoyed thinking about why I liked the awesome people I get to hang out with every single day. I wrote another. As I folded it into thirds and wrote the person's name on it, I started to giggle. I kept writing more sticky notes and giggling more. Hannah, Robin, and Eric were all in the staff room during this and can attest to the truthfulness of my narrative. I finished notes for the whole team. By this time, I am really really happy. I am wearing a pair of Tim's sunglasses and dancing around the room. I realized Justin didn't have a note, so I wrote one to him too. Finally, I put them all in their mail boxes.

The class block that had been going on ended and some of the interns came in to the staff room. That made me giggle some more. Tim made a face at me and I giggled and pointed to the mail boxes. He proceeded to read his note and I continued to laugh.

Of course, after my free time block, I had a class. And of course, it would be a Coaches' class. So I decided I needed to calm down. I stood up straight against the wall (think the Orotun-duh activity) and attempted to breathe naturally. I failed and giggled some more.

Determined to succeed in regaining my sanity, I walked out of the staff room and had a marvelous class.

However, that was just the beginning to my day...

Musings on tour

The bright sunshine streaming through the glass door had drawn me outdoors. The prickly grass reminded me of the fact that I was barefoot. It didn't matter. My eyes followed the expanse of grass up til the edge of the field. From my end of the field to the other end, it was a short 100 feet or so. However, on a sunny, humid Tennessee afternoon, 100 feet is a long way to run. I sized up the field again. Yep, I could do it. I set my mind to the task and place one foot behind the other in readiness to speed off. Then, all of my energy sprang into action as I launched myself across the field. Seconds later, I am one third of the way there and not sure why I decided to do this. I am panting and slowing down. Resolutely, I put my eyes on my goal at the end of the field. With this change in perspective, running is a simple task. Just put one foot in front of the other. I keep going and soon and I am two thirds through. As I look around me, I realize this a fun and then return my focus and gaze to my end goal. I throw everything I have into the last few feet and stop running with a huge smile on my face. Haha, I could do that again.

-------

While at the Moon's house during prep week, I ran the length of their backyard many many times. Each time I couldn't help thinking how much running reminded me of tour. It was a challenge I had put on myself. I didn't have to do this, but it certainly would be rewarding if I stuck it through. Times would be tough and I knew I wouldn't want to go on. But as long as my eyes are on my goal, everything is possible. I stop focusing on myself as I gaze ahead at the reason I am doing this.

Now in the middle of tour, I have thought about this a good number of times and it is a continual encouragement. I often wonder what ever made me want to leave my comfort zone for four months of my life and be constantly challenged in new ways. Sometimes, my fears or my laziness get me down. I feel too broken inside to continue communicating for Christ. However, if I return my focus to God, everything slides nicely into place. Joy becomes a reality again and I can keep on running.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12: 1, 2

Who has made man’s mouth?

So, where to start? I have two stories from prep week, but I might save them for an applicable blog post. I guess I will start by sharing what I learned during my first week on tour:

1. When you think you’re smart and don’t drink water on a long car trip but end up getting a sore throat, you’re not.
2. Hot tea, honey, and lemon really do help to quell the coughing caused by a sore throat. However, as soon as you stop drinking tea, you begin coughing again.
3. Your alarm on your phone will not ring if your phone is on silent.
4. Consuming sugar directly before attempting to sleep can result in restlessness, guilt, resolutions of healthier eating on the morrow, and exercise sessions in the dark while everybody else in your room is asleep. Oh, and, extreme tiredness on the following day.
5. My voice belongs to God. I’m not going to say God took away my voice, but he certainly allowed my voice to fade. It started out as a sore throat. Then I began coughing at night. Soon enough, I was coughing all day long. When I did talk, Austin compared my voice to that of a 13-year-old boy. It went up and down, high and low. My voice was the worst on Day 3, when I use it the most. I had a couple of classes and was scheduled to help with Beginning Public Speaking. Also, since it was the first day of the speech conference, I had to be part of the opening program and introduce Tim and myself. On top of that, we had the evening program to present. The evening before, I had been up really late coughing. I had tried walking around or sitting up and nothing helped. Eventually, I decided to give my cough to God. If he wanted my voice back by tomorrow, he would have to give it to me. I didn’t know if he would heal my voice or what… I just knew that God was with me. The next morning, I croaked through the opening program and Katie Mac taught one of my classes. My biggest memory from that day was sitting in the staff room, being told again and again to stop talking and to take some emergen-C. I felt like myself and had plenty of energy… just I couldn’t talk. It was frustrating. The people around me were up and doing things while I couldn’t. They would smile at me, hug me, and ask how I was doing. I felt so loved, but so weak, which I rather disliked. Kelsea prayed for me and I made it through the evening program mostly uneventfully, though I still sounded odd. (I actually, I loved the way it sounded, but it hurt to talk.) By the end of the next day, I was literally alternating between coughing and breathing. I couldn’t take more than three breaths before I started coughing again. I avoided talking and had a very unnatural evening, not being able to talk and laugh as I usually do. On Sunday, my voice came back. Not completely, but it was a huge change. I thought about nearly every word that came out of my mouth. It was such a joy and blessing to be able to speak. Basically, I could talk again!!!! I came away from that experience with a greater appreciation and respect for my voice. More than that, I realized that my voice is a gift. It isn’t something I own or direct. If words come out of my mouth, it is only by God’s goodness and I need to make sure all of those words honor Him. Or even better, I need to make sure that all of my words are His words…things He would want me to say. God has allowed me to talk and I want to be an excellent steward of this gift. My voice belongs to God.

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
~Ex 4: 11 - 12

ketchup

Hi! :)

I realized I have not been making much time for my blog. There are a whole bunch of thoughts, ideas, questions, and stories I've been wanting to share with you all... but I've been so busy.

This next week will be an off week, so my plan is to catch up on all my blogging. I don't know it what I have to say will be at all interesting to you, but if you want to know what's been going on with me, stay tuned.

I also hope to catch up on reading everybody else's blogs. I want to figure what you all have been thinking about and let it sink in. Mhm. I'm excited.

That's about it for now. Oh, if I can pray about anything for you, please email me and let me know. I rather dislike being disconnected from people and praying for you would make me happy.

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
~Numbers 6:24 - 26